'AITA for letting my dad think I was missing and causing him to be disowned?' UPDATED 2X (2024)

I pointed out that the only mess in the room was a half bag of chips which caused her to burst out crying. As always dad babied her than made excuses saying she's struggling over lockdown, pregnancy and not being able to see her family. My mental health was extremely bad I felt like I was a piece of trash that at anyday my dad was gonna throw away and I was always scared my mom would get sick.

It got so bad my hair started falling out . The breaking point came when I was at the kitchen table I was reading a story on my phone waiting for my cereal to go soggy to eat it. When Tammy came in huffed them started "cleaning" loudy complaining about a mess (the kitchen was spotless). Then she took my bowl than threw it in the bin, literally, even the bowl.

So I just flipped and started yelling at her what was her problem with me and called her an ab-sive f-ing b-ch among other things. My dad came running and got between us she demanded that I leave the house that I was never allowed near her kid.

Dad walked me to my room than said something that ruined our relationship forever he told me that I must doing something to Tammy because no one hates a kid for no reason. He said if I kept stressing her I'd have to move out. I then made a social media post asking someone for a place to stay explained the situation in detail packed a bag than climbed out my bedroom window (bungalow).

After about 30 minutes, my phone started blowing up but I just turned it off and went to a friends house. I texted my mom off my friends phone to let her know everything she didn't call for 7 hours because she was in surgery. She said my aunt would pick me up the next day. My mom told my father I was okay and that I'd be staying with my aunt for a two weeks till she could come home.

Apparently, dad and Tammy had to go door to door to my family/friends houses looking for me you know after I made the post. Let's just say, they got a lot of crap. My grandparents still don't talk to him to this day. My aunt packed up my room because I refused to go back into that house I've not spoken to my father in years or met my half brother.

Tammy and dad still try to fix our relationship apparently sometimes pregant women get a hatred against people or pets for no reason. I'm turning 18 in 3 weeks and a cousin's girlfriend asked me about inviting my dad so I told her the story.

She told me while what they did was wrong what I did was an AH thing too because I made them worry/stress and go to multiple peoples houses during a pandemic. That put a pregnant woman having a mental health issue at risk by whole stunt. So AITAH for letting my dad think I was missing?

The internet did not hold back.

SubbySuccubi wrote:

NTA. Cousin's gf has no right to judge you for a situation she wasn't there for. she's completely ignoring that your dad pissed off the whole family with his actions towards you. It's rare that family actually holds a neglectful parent accountable yet she's judging you? Sure Jan 🙄

OP responded:

My dad's side has been extremely supportive and still get mad about it my grandparents have disowned him even I’m not the only person he lost that day.

angel9_writes wrote:

You were being mistreated by this woman to the point you were losing hair and your father chose her. You did the right thing to protect yourself. Even if this was something medical with her due to the pregnancy the TWO ADULTS in the situation owed you far more grace and understanding than you got.

He told you it was ON YOU because his wife couldn't possibly h-te someone so much without a reason, while knowing damn well you weren't doing anything wrong. He can live with those consequences. IF they can't apologize without blaming you, there is no real apology happening. NTA.

Ambitious_Topic4472 wrote:

"My dad came running and got between us she demanded that I leave the house that I was never allowed near her kid."

Your father basically asked you to leave the house and that you weren't allowed near the kid. You did what he asked you to do.

"Apparently dad and Tammy had to go door to door to my family/friends houses looking for me you know after I made the post let's say they got a lot of sh-t"

Hormones might have made her on edge, but nothing fixes hormone issues like a social media post and the crap that comes with it. Lockdown was stressful for anyone and they made your life hell. Do you want these people in your life? NTA, if you move on with your life and they are not part of it.

OP responded:

I wish I could have a relationship with my brother maybe I’ll get a chance when he’s older but as for dad and Tammy I hate them both.

yjhsvthaobin wrote:

You are better off without them, you know, a pregnancy does not excuse the bad treatment they gave you. Give yourself priority and take care of your mental health and by the way, outsiders do not have to tell you to forgive or forget mistreatment because in the end they did not experience what you experienced.

Two days later, OP shared an update.

Hi guys I honestly thought I'd never give an update but here I am.

I'm gonna call my cousins girlfriend "Sarah" and my cousin "Paul"

So I mentioned in a comment I uninvited Sarah from the party,

Yesterday Paul came over to talk he told me Sarah had issues in the past with her younger siblings it was apparently really bad like her siblings lived with their mom full time and she lived with her dad. Long story short Sarah was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in college and went to therapy he said even tho she's apologised her siblings still won't have anything to do with her which breaks her heart.

Paul said Sarah told him that when I told her what happened it triggered her because it reminded her of her situation with her siblings. I didn't mention in the other post because it was really irrelevant to what I was asking but Sarah texted me about letting go of the hate, links to sites about family members with mental health issues,numbers of family therapist even subreddit's on here.

He told me Sarah wanted to meet up to clear the air and apologise in person I said okay. Sarah texted about half an hour later about collecting me because she wanted to drive to a new restaurant that newly opened in the next town over as her pre-birthday treat to me. We know what she was planning but Tammy ruined it for her by calling my mom to tell her Sarah's plans to "help us" make up.

I wrote my dad a letter two days ago as a lot of you suggested I put everything in there and told him how it affects me to this day, I told him i wanted a relationship with my brother but I wasn't sure ill ever want one with him. I told him to leave me alone because his actions are only pushing me away even more and if I ever decide I want to talk to him it will be on my terms with my mom present.

The letter ended up being 5 pages and you guys were right it did make me feel better, my mom dropped it off that day and dad asked to meet her a day later they talked about me meeting my brother and my dad said he wants to buy me a car no strings attached.

They (Tammy and dad) also asked would it be ok to give me money to get myself something for my birthday...you guys are gonna hate me for this but I'm taking the car and 500 if he wants to give me more he can because collage supplies and moving into a dorm is expensive.

Back to Sarah, she's basically contacted Tammy via Facebook (Tammy sent my mom the screenshots) telling her everything I said than asking Tammy her side because Sarah didn't believe me.

To Tammy's credit she told the truth and took full accountability, it was Sarah who kept trying to make out Tammy was the victim. Sarah told Tammy about her own past and said she'd try to mend our relationship Tammy told her that didn't want her to.

The last message was Sarah telling Tammy the location and time we'd be at the restaurant even said she'd drive me so I couldn't leave even tho I'd just asked a waitress for help or call my mom. My mom posted the screenshots into the group chat and called Sarah bunch of names told her if she ever came near me again she'd regret it.

I blocked Sarah and left the group chat so I don't know what happened afterwards but Paul came over with my aunt and swore he knew nothing about it. To be honest, I don't know if I believe him because he was trying to defend Sarah again which got him a verbal lashing from my aunt and mom.

That's it really I'm gonna update in a few months to let you guys know how everything went with my brother. I feel like I owe everyone that after so many people helped me take that step because honestly words can't describe how happy it's made me literally the best birthday present I could have gotten.

Thank you so much for the amazing advice and people sharing their own experiences even the women who suffered mental illness Tammy did it helped me understand it a bit more but I still can't forgive her I don't think we can ever rebuild our relationship especially to what it was.

The comments kept coming.

ElehcarTheFirst wrote:

I'm really proud of you.

Take the money and the car. College is expensive.

Your mom is awesome.

You have some good people in your life. Best of luck. I do hope you'll post updates on how amazing your life is going.

Mirabai503 wrote:

Look up a term - transference. This is what Sarah is doing. She's over-identifying with Tammy because of she herself ruined her family relationships due to her mental illness and is trying to find her own redemption through manipulating your circ*mstance.

But now you know. Never, ever get in a car with her. Not you driving her and certainly not her driving you. Never give her the opportunity to be alone with you or communicate in any way other than text so you have it all in writing for your family. Tell your brother to make sure she stands down. Your situation is not her situation and she needs to stay in her lane.

OP responded:

Paul’s my cousin my brother is a toddler but you don’t have to tell me twice about keeping away from Sarah if she comes near me again I’m gonna call the police as far as I know with Tammy she told my mom that she told Sarah keep away from her too.

aarondobson403 wrote:

Glad your dad & Tammy at least took some accountability. Best of luck with everything :)

OP responded:

It felt great she took accountability.

wlfwrtr wrote:

Would love to know the conversation where Paul was defending Sarah and mom and aunt gave him a tongue lashing. Are Sarah and Paul still together?

OP responded:

About him defending her, he said that Sarah acted on impulse and thought she was doing the right thing by getting us to talk. He said she has a lot of trauma due to her siblings turning their backs on her and warning everyone about her.

He said they messaged him when they got serious to warn him about how crazy Sarah is. So Sarah thought that I basically was the same, so she wanted to give Tammy a chance to tell her side and her play was for us to talk it out. I told Paul I’m sick of the trauma and mental health excuses.

I’ve had mental health issues myself and at 17 I know not take it out on innocent people then expect them to be okay with it. So I’m not interested in a 27-year-old (Sarah) nor a 44 year old (Tammy).

eightmarshmallows responded:

Did Sarah’s inability to respect boundaries have anything to do with her family refusing to see her?

OP responded:

From what I’ve been told by Paul and the stuff I saw in the screenshots she was horrible to her siblings I dare say a--sive even in the watered down version. She said in one episode she cut up her sister's clothes and ruined all her makeup by throwing them against her sister's bedroom walls.

But then she said she replaced everything afterwards and apologised, so she doesn’t understand why the sister still holds it against her there’s a lot more she said in the messages to Tammy.

CleoJK wrote:

I mean, Sarah is kinda showing her crazy right now tbf...

OP responded:

Yeah and this is her first time really meeting the whole family so…yeah I wonder how much they’ll let out when she’s a wedding ring and a kid in.

OP added:

I’ve not spoken to Paul since and my mom said don’t worry about adult business just focus on the rest of my summer and my upcoming party.

A few weeks later, OP shared an update.

Hi guys as promised I'd give everyone an update and it's the final one

Short version - I turned 18 three days ago had a great time, I've met my bother, Sarah tried to get in contact with me again and I've spoken to my father and Tammy.

It's easier to break everything down

Sarah- a day after I made the last update my mom booked a holiday for a week to get away which was really random and sudden for her, 3 days in my mom got a notification that someone was at our door, it was Sarah.

Sarah at first was normal, asking my mom to talk to me, then she started explaining herself and her situation which went between sad/angry but suddenly she freaked out started calling me names and threatening me while damaging our door and porch even broke the ring camera. It was extremely scary, I don't blame her siblings for not wanting anything to do with her.

Sarah was locked up,, my mom is definitely pressing charges I don't know much about her situation now but I'm not gonna lie I've been looking over my shoulder a lot since. For those wondering, yeah her and my cousin broke up he's let's say shaken up worse than me and very apologetic.

My brother:

My birthday went great I had a such a good time honestly I've the best mother/family in the world they really made my 18th special. I got so many amazing presents but my favourite was the sister necklace my brother gave me.

Obviously, dad or Tammy got it, but I finally get to be his sister and that's what I've wanted for so long. We have spent some time together and I'm seeing him again tomorrow he's so extremely adventurous never sits down for a second he loves Miss Rachel and green. I found out he and the neighbor's cat will stare each down, which I used to do when I stayed at dad's.

I could talk for hours about him I'm so glad you guys helped me meet him I can't thank you enough for that.

Dad-My dad was there the first time I met my brother (I knew before hand) because obviously my brother is a toddler.

Basically, we met at (dad's sibling) my aunt's house, I was told he'd stay in the kitchen the whole time. I caught him peeking at me and brother a few times throughout the day. When I was leaving my dad followed me out and just hugged me, he told me he missed me. I hugged him back and told him I missed him too.

As you know it was the first time I've spoken to him in years. He apologised and took accountability I started angry crying than just left everything out. I told him how they made me feel, my mental health, and that I love him but I'll never forgive him. He asked me if he could try to make it up to me and be a part of my life again.

I said we can try but I'm making no promises on ever getting back the relationship we once had. We have spoken a few times and he has helped me when I needed to bring my large dog home from the vets.

Now Tammy, you guys are gonna be shocked, but I was the one who contacted her. I got my mom to call her to basically say "Jessica is with me she wants to speak to you" Tammy was obviously shocked but agreed. I told her after everything she put me though and how much she hurt me that we'd never have a relationship but I'm willingly to be civil just for my brother's sake.

I want us to be able to attend my brother's events without drama. Tammy started apologising and telling me she's not like that anymore, she got help. I said I'm glad she's doing better, we talked about the Sarah situation and my brother for a few minutes the whole call was like 20 minutes I've not spoken to her since but like that 5 days ago

So that's it real, my last update. I know what people are thinking about my dad, I've not forgiven him and he will have to work extremely hard to get back the relationship we lost. But I feel better that he's back in my life and I've do believe both of them regret it but if I get any crap or think my brother isn't being treated well, I will make their lives hell.

The commenters had lots to say.

Fabulous_Norma wrote:

It's wonderful to hear your final update, Jessica. You've handled some incredibly difficult situations with grace and maturity. It's great that you were able to reconnect with your brother and establish boundaries with your dad and Tammy. Remember, you're not alone. Keep moving forward and prioritize your own well-being. Wishing you all the best!

morchard1493 wrote:

Happy belated Birthday. It was good to see that you had updated. I'm glad to see that it had a mostly happy ending. It seems like Tammy was really just struggling with the pregnancy hormones after all, but if that's really all that it was, then she really should have gotten help for it, and your father should have not just excused her actions and blamed you for allowing her to get so upset at nothing that you were doing.

I hope that, in time, your relationship can eventually heal and mend and be as close to what it once was as possible. I also hope that Sarah gets the help that she needs for her mental health problems. Sending positive hugs and vibes. 🫂

ElehcarTheFirst wrote:

I'm so happy things are working out. You deserve it. You're extremely mature and doing things I didn't think I would be able to do if that had happened to me. So yes, very proud. I hope it all continues going well.

Babyy_Anastasiaa wrote:

You've done an amazing job navigating all of this, Jessica, and you should feel really good about yourself. I hope things continue to improve, and that you have strong, healthy relationships with your brother, mom, and anyone else who deserves to be in your life. Remember, we're all rooting for you!