Woman criticized by children for 'glow up' after divorce; 'why didn't you change when it mattered?' AITA? (2024)

During this time, I was having/raising our small children, while taking care of about 95% of household matters because of his long working hours, all while working full time.

I admit I did not "glow up" along with Larry. My own appearance has always been on the plainer side - I'm not overweight but a bit stocky (5'5"/140 lbs), simply cut hair, glasses, practical clothes, not much makeup.

Larry loved me as-is for about the first decade of our relationship, but after he started working as a lawyer, he started to become drawn to more conventionally attractive women and had several affairs.

When I pressed for counseling, he said that the issues were things like my big nose and post-baby tummy pooch (not things I could fix with a simple makeover).

I was getting organized to ask for a divorce when Carla was hit by a car while riding her bike. She survived and is fine now, but needed several years of intensive surgeries and rehab.

In order to provide a unified front for Carla (and Steve), Larry and I agreed to stay married and be as cordial as possible (he continued to see other women during this time, but by this time I was past trying to get him to be faithful). We did separate (and divorce) after Carla went off to college. Larry is remarried now to a much younger woman (33F).

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In the past couple years, I have actually decided to focus more on myself - including my appearance. Now that my children are grown and out of the house, and I don't have to worry about tiptoeing around a difficult husband, I finally have time and resources to do so.

I didn't get a nose job or other plastic surgery like Larry had wanted, but I did update and color my hair, started working out more (lost about 15 pounds), got a new wardrobe, and actually started dating (I don't have a steady partner yet, but regularly go to age-appropriate singles events and go on dates).

Unfortunately, my children detest the "new me." In particular, they blame me for the divorce and are angry that I didn't "glow up" to accommodate Larry, saying I was too selfish and lazy to do so "when it mattered."

My son Steve is getting married soon, and says he is too angry to invite me to the wedding. Carla has gone low-contact with me. I had great relationships with both of them until I started my own glow-up process a couple years ago, which was a few years after Larry and I finalized our divorce.

Steve and Carla have told me that the only way to fix this - the only thing that would be fair - is to go back to the way I was before - meaning stop coloring my hair, dress in my former plain/frumpy way, and stop dating. They say they are most upset about the dating and that it's not fair for me to be looking for a new partner.

So, AITA for everything I have done here - for not improving my appearance until after I got divorced? I really don't think Larry would have been faithful to me no matter how much I twisted myself in knots.

I felt I did the best I could given the energy and resources I had, and, while it may seem selfish, I do believe I deserve to have my own life now? But I am open to other opinions if I have done something wrong here.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

NofairRoo

Huh? Is this for real? Why do your kids think the have a say in what you wear? This is so strange. That’s not normal and it’s not ok. If you go back to the “old you” does ex go back too? What’s the end game here? Cuz ex is married, surely the adult whiners children know this?

ThatPeach7311 (OP)

They think that I'm basically rubbing it in my ex's face (and theirs) that I never cared about him because I couldn't be bothered to fix myself up until after we were divorced.

I've explained that it just had to do with time and bandwidth that I have now that I'm single and the kids are grown but they aren't buying it. And no, of course the ex doesn't go back. The kids just think I deserve to be alone and frumpy, I guess, because I wasn't a perfect wife in my marriage.

Boofakblankets

I’m genuinely concerned for the lack of values your children exhibit. You sound like you still need to work on your self worth. I cannot imagine sacrificing as much as you have for your children to turn around and treat you this way.

If my child said what your son did to me there would be zero chance I’d attend their wedding. You are entitled to feelings and to hurt and the things your children are saying to you are cruel.

ndiasSF

The adult children sound very shallow. I can’t imagine growing up in a house where mom carries all the domestic duties and dad is off having affairs was a great experience.

Sasha2021_

NTA at all. Wtf did I just read? Your kids sound like spoiled, entitled selfish people. So they blame u for the divorce even though their dad cheated? Focus on yourself and your own life and go completely NC with your children. U can love them from a distance. U spent years sacrificing your own happiness for theirs. It’s finally your time to be happy.

They seem to have no issue with dad being married to a much younger person now but have an issue with mom living for herself for once? Sounds like they’re blaming mom for dad’s affairs. NTA - those kids should definitely get therapy.

ThatPeach7311 (OP)

I don't want to go NC with them, but I just think it's very odd that they only started blaming me for the divorce once I started improving my appearance. I do agree that I have a right to be happy now (whatever that looks like within reason) and that I don't have to defer to their opinion.

Proud_Fee_1542

This was genuinely so sad to read. You put your life on hold for years to stay with a man who treated you poorly, had affairs and belittled you… just so the kids would have a united family unit.

They are being incredibly selfish and delusional. If your husband had an issue with you not ‘glowing up’ that’s a him problem, NOT a you problem. It’s baffling that your kids are ignoring that and blaming you for your ex’s bad behaviour and attitude.

If I were you I would remind them of the real reasons the marriage fell apart, go low contact, try not to listen to them and focus on you. Don’t let them talk you into reversing the changes that have made you happy. You absolutely deserve to be happy and move on without feeling guilty! NTA.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?